And it’s time I broke my silence.
And this is still the subject of many people’s jokes.
I remember the night this all happened.It was another night on the timeline and I was minding my own business and ping.
I saw the screenshot appear on the TL.
I was shocked to say the least, because I knew I had not screenshot it let alone screenshot and send it to someone.
At the time I didn’t think to much of it because in my opinion nothing salacious was being said. Now my second follow up though was ”why did he post it.
Those who knew me at the time, know I am not an advocate for leaking personal conversations to the internet. It is one thing to tell your friend something it is another to post it on the internet.
Now at the time, the man in the DM had a girlfriend who was quite a popular person on Twitter, she was quite funny from what I recall, However this meant that she was fiercely protected by those who followed her and were friends with both parties at the time.
So when I saw a screenshot posted by @CallMeTheKidd of the dm conversation you can only imagine how shocked i was. I even admit i was like “omg loool. did you guys see that” hell. I had nothing to worry about because it’s not like I posted it.
Boy was i wrong. I had a lot to worry about
My nude was leaked onto the public platform of Black UK Twitter.
#LivesRuined init? So. What happened next?
In a matter of minutes a fake account had popped up and posted my nudes as some sort of retribution for me allegedly posting the DM between a TL favourite.
Oddly enough if you were to search my old handle @squeezemynyash you might be able to still see the tweets from that night. I didn’t delete anything because I had nothing to hide, after all I had nothing to gain from leaking the DM.
Simply because like many others, I understood the Twitter ”bait” hierarchy, how offending one key person can lead to a world of trouble in your mentions.
So why would I bother leaking a DM that quite frankly was pretty meh. (not to be offensive but I am sure we have all seen and said worst but yeah 2012 whatever.)
Within what seemed like hours my nudes had been leaked on the TL and being made the centre of jokes, memes (at that time I don’t even think we had realised it was a meme).
It had circulated so quickly I had no idea what to do. Those were the blackberry days so my phone was pinging none stop, vibrations from friends, strangers, and within minutes I couldn’t touch both my HTC or my blackberry. The World for me as I know it had hit an instant pause and that was when the reality of my situation hit me.
A naked photo of me was on the internet. People had just seen me naked.
Now this something people often hear about in whispered chats, in passing in conversation but to really be living the situation is actually quite surreal.
And the fact remained that they all thought I was guilty.
Now while the jokes were flying. Even when someone would try to defend me they would end up catching heat.
My life was flying apart. However, the worse was yet to come. I had to go back to University. Nothing could’ve prepared for that. By this point I wasn’t talking much from what I can remember.
I mean a lot of that time was a blackout to be fair. But I remember walking down the corridor hearing the whispers, hearing the laughter.
This was the part that broke me. The fact that I even if I tried to defend myself their mind was made up.
I was a Hoe. A Sket. A Disgrace.
However, life wasn’t quite done with me yet.
My family found out.
Now 2012 was when viral culture was learning how to walk and guess some of us had to get trampled on in the process. Having to address a naked photo being leaked of you in front of family is a conversation I wouldn’t wish on any of you. The level of shame is something I can’t put into words.
So, My next option was death.
Personally I had reached the stage where I believed I would not be able to survive this. Self harming had become my coping mechanism but that didn’t stop me seeing those closest to me looking at back at me with their with eyes filled with disappointment. I wanted it all to end.
So I took an overdose. And hoped for the best. I woke up in hospital. I was in agony. But I was alive. i was incredibly upset.
Why was I still here. The weeks following my suicide attempt were some of my darkest moments I have had in life. Under constant surveillance by family and friends. Still the subject of jokes on Twitter. I was trapped in a small space and I attempted to take my life again because what is life if you can’t even show your face outside.
After my last attempt and seeing the pain I was brought my mum, I spent the summer around people that cared about me and slowly i began to come out a little more and from what I was being told by friends still on the TL, the jokes had pretty much withered down to a few die hard dedicated to the cause tweeters, keeping my trauma alive for RTs. (I also stopped using twitter the week of the incident so that helped me heal and signed up again in 2015.
They say the internet is forever. No word of lie. One day I decided to search my old handle to see what’s new. And boy was I in for a shock.
It turned out that even two years after the incident people were still recalling the moment as some of their “funniest moments on twitter”
With the most recent one dated today actually.
Funniest moment? Take me back to the time of spidernyash? So many of you found my nude being leaked hilarious my privacy invaded over a situation I did not create? Basically used as a deflection. Because why would they focus on the fact a man had a girlfriend and was DM’ing other people. Why not deflect onto the girl because that makes it much easier.
I was just a deflection. till today people still remember that night and even goes down in your history books? While you were laughing I was slitting my wrists. Crazy how the world works right? Would the jokes have stopped if I killed myself? Would that have made you all feel satisfied?
I still have a lot of unpacking to do within myself as this situation was one that shaped me to who I am today, and it has affected me in so many ways which I am still trying to heal from but I am thankful I came out on the other side and I take each day as it comes.
So please remember when you are doing these ”throwbacks” that it’s my shame and my pain that brings you so much joy and fond memories. evidently still bringing you joy till today but it’s #mentalhealth matters yeah?
I want to acknowledge one person for although she laughed initially years later she was the only one to acknowledge that what happened was wrong and for that, Thank You @FLOTUK.