Your girl just moved house. Now for me, this is a big deal. I have not been in a stable home situation for a few years now. My last apartment was a cross between a trap house and a studio apartment.
Yet here I am, feet up on my new sofa, under the warm glow of my new candles but I still don’t feel like I am home yet.
Growing up in a council flat in South London. I had never thought of what it would be like to live in a house. Even though, I hoped to own my home one day, My mind had not formed that image just yet.
This house is everything I have wanted. Big large windows which let the sun in. It’s super close to the town center too. (if you know the midlands you will know living close to town is very vital).
I am writing this post, on my new sofa with my feet snuggled into my new rug. Yet, I felt less at home than ever before.
I had a bad case of Imposter Syndrome.
What is imposter syndrome I hear you ask? Well, according to our good pals at Wikipedia:
“Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern.
Which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents, and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved“
Now I often hear the phrase imposter syndrome thrown around. I had even seen a mutual on twitter speak about it impacting her recently. This is what inspired me to put pen to paper. (you should all go and follow her too @FindingMalo).
Edit – I started writing this on the 3rd of October and I am only finishing it today 19th so my feelings have actually changed (not by that much though)
Who knew you could suffer PTSD from being evicted.
Having had to leave my childhood home suddenly at very short notice four years ago (due to circumstances beyond my mother’s control). I refused to allow myself to feel at home, out of fear of suddenly being uprooted again. Again knowing this has helped me be at peace with my current feelings.
However writing this today, I am hopeful for the future which is definitely something I have not felt in a while. So I guess there is hope yet.
And from the wise words of Sister Ari Lennox…
I just got a new apartment
– Ari Lennox “New Apartment”
I’m gon’ leave the floor wet
Walk around this bitch naked (Woo)
And nobody can tell me shit
What do you think?